Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 12/10-12/14

Check out quotables from last weeks TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.10.18

I have good news - if anyone here wants to be President Trump's Chief of Staff, just raise your hand and the job is yours!

That's right, President Trump's chief of staff John Kelly is leaving the White House. It didn't take long to pack up his office because they only things in his desk are some Tylenol and a handle of vodka.

Well, now the administration is looking for a new Chief of Staff to bring order to the White House and improve Trump's behavior. Which explains their first choice: Mary Poppins.

Actually, one of Mike Pence's aides was expected to replace Kelly, but he turned Trump down. You know you're a tough guy to work for when someone says, "Thanks, but I'd rather be stuck in a room all day with Mike Pence."

I heard that several of Trump's top choices don't want the position. At this point, the only job tougher to fill than Chief of Staff is host of the Oscars.

Trump has nominated a former "Fox & Friends" host to be his Ambassador to the UN. Then he nominated PEPPA PIG to be his Ambassador to the UK.

Oh, I saw that this weekend, Trump attended the Army vs. Navy football game, where he went on the field and shook hands with players. And he whispered to each one of them, "Will you be my Chief of Staff? Will you be my Chief of Staff?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.11.18

You guys, tonight was the big results show of "The Voice" right here on NBC! It was pretty intense - the singers with the most votes advance to the finale, while the singer with the least votes has to be White House Chief of Staff.

That's right, President Trump is still looking for a new Chief of Staff. He says he wants someone that he likes and that will gossip with him. Then his aides were like, "Mr. President, what you're describing is called 'a friend.'"

But Trump's having trouble finding anyone who wants to do the job. Today he was like, "Okay that's it - get me an illegal immigrant."

Actually, I read that Trump is now considering former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the job. It's not a bad idea - the White House would get a Chief of Staff and a Santa for the office holiday party.

Some local news here. The other day, a woman in Pennsylvania gave birth in a Taco Bell parking lot. The manager was like, "Come inside!" And the woman said, "It's cleaner out here!"

Yeah, she gave birth in the parking lot of a Taco Bell. She would've gone inside and used the bathroom, but it already sounded like someone else was giving birth in there.

But this is nice. Instead of a blanket, the manager wrapped the baby in a soft flour tortilla.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.12.18

Guys, if you're watching from home, you're in for a great show! And if you're watching from jail, then you probably worked for the president.

That's right, today was the big sentencing hearing for Trump's former lawyer, Michael Cohen. He got 36 months in prison. Or as Trump put it, "That's like...20 years!"

That's right, Cohen got three years for arranging illegal hush money payments for Trump. But Cohen said, "Could've been worse - I could've been sentenced to be White House Chief of Staff."

Get this. Cohen also has to pay more than one million dollars in restitution. When Trump heard, he said, "A million dollars for restitution? She must be good!"

Trump says he'll shut down the government if Congress doesn't give him money for his border wall. So Democrats are just gonna show Trump a photo of the Great Wall of China and tell him it's already been built.

Well, Trump met with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer about the border wall yesterday, and it made him so angry, he threw a folder full of papers across the room. It was a mess - there were resignation letters everywhere.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.13.18

You guys, it's the holiday season! And I read that every day, 750,000 people visit Rockefeller Center. They spend three seconds looking at the tree, then three hours trying to leave. "Sorry, excuse me, move!"

Speaking of the holidays. In a new interview, Donald Trump Jr. said his dad is a "re-gifter." So when Robert Mueller gives the president a subpoena, he's just gonna re-gift it to Don Jr.

But there's so much going on in the news right now - Trump's former lawyer is going to jail, no one wants to be the White House Chief of Staff, and there's a chance the government could shut down in nine days. That's why if you listen closely, you can hear Hillary Clinton singing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

That's right, Trump's legal situation is getting worse and worse. You can tell he's nervous, cuz he spent all day watching "Legally Blonde" and frantically taking notes. "Bend...and snap!"

Former baseball player Jose Canseco has offered to be Trump's Chief of Staff. When Trump heard that, he said, "You had me at 'baseball player,' and lost me at 'Jose.'"

On Fox News last night, Melania Trump was interviewed by Sean Hannity. Trump said it was a lot of fun tuning in to watch the love of his life, and also Melania.

And listen to this. Arizona Senator Jeff Flake gave his farewell address on the Senate floor today. There was a touching moment right after it ended when people clapped, and then whispered to each other, "Who was that?"

Some celebrity news. I saw that Kanye West tweeted that he's trying to get together with Bob Dylan. When he heard that, Bob Dylan was like, "My phone number is a changin."

I heard about a 102 year-old woman who just became the oldest person ever to go skydiving. And this was cool, at 102 years-old, she was able to use her skin as a parachute.

A man in Florida tried to pay for a hot dog at a gas station using weed. Which is ridiculous, cuz everyone knows Florida gas stations only accept meth.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.14.18

You guys, the holiday season is here! I read that this year, Americans are expected to spend about 700 billion dollars. But keep in mind, half of that is just President Trump paying his lawyers.

Speaking of the president. I read that the Trump administration is easing restrictions on school lunches to allow more chocolate milk. I guess after losing Time's Person of the Year, Trump is trying to win a Kid's Choice Award.

There's a new Carnival Cruise ship that will have a roller coaster on its deck. Yeah, a roller coaster on a Carnival Cruise. The captain was like, "One way or another, we're gonna make you barf."

Here's a local story. To save money, New York City is thinking about cleaning the subways less often. Apparently, the annual once-over with a wet nap was just way too expensive.